dead do not come back

The dead do not come back

It all started three weeks back. Saroj had watched a program late in the night and then crept in the bed, trying very hard to keep the sound of his footsteps to the minimum so as to not wake up his child Manasi, who was just 8 months old but who was such a fussy sleeper that it was difficult to make her sleep and very easy to disturb it. His wife Meera was sleeping on the other side of the bed. It was quiet and peaceful all around. The full moon was hidden by the curtains but the moonlight still pierced it and managed to light up the windows sills in a ghastly pale light. He pulled the sheet up and tried to go to sleep, but could not. He was feeling sad and guilty. The program had shown a woman who was fighting cancer and this had affected him badly. After an hour of turning and tossing, he fell into a restless sleep. He did not recall why he woke up or what made him wake up, but he clearly remembered what he saw near his legs on the bed. It was a woman, definitely a woman. She was sitting at the edge of the bed. The moment he saw her, he gave a violent start and sat up straight. And then he saw her stand up and disappear in the shadows. Just like that !!!! She was no longer there. Was it all a dream? His heart beating furiously, he slowly walked up to the switchboard and turned on the lights. Nothing untoward was there. The light woke up Meera who protested sleepily. Saroj turned off the light and then came back to his bed. He did not have the heart to wake Meera up and share this stupid experience. The rest of the night was spent in a daze, he waking up regularly but there was nothing there in the room.

The next night too was spent in vigil. The third night he was so tired that he slept right through it and no body disturbed him. It was all back to normal again. It would have remained so but 5 days back, he saw it again. That night he had woken up to answer nature’s call. He was very sleepy at that time. When he came out of the bathroom, he heard some sound from the second bedroom, the unoccupied one, the one reserved for guests. He glanced inside from the door and he saw her again. She was sitting on the bed with her legs on the ground and with her back towards the door. The sight jolted Saroj wide awake and again he saw her disintegrating in the shadows. He quickly switched on the light but there was nothing at all in the room. He looked at the bed and he saw some toys and clothes of Manasi, strewn over the bed. He must have been frozen there without any sense of time. Meera came looking for him and found him standing at the edge of bed, staring vacantly in the space between the bed and the window, where the woman’s shadow had merged with darkness. She shook him gently and then led him by hand towards the bed. She sat there and gently massaged his head and temples till he fell asleep again. The next morning he shared his experiences with her. To her credit, she did not panic. She listened very carefully and asked questions like the exact posture that he found her both times. When he thought about it, he realized that both times, she was in exact positions, her legs dangling down and she sitting on the edge of bed. In the first case, she was looking at him and last night she was looking at the toys and dresses of Manasi. In both the cases, she had stood up and disappeared. Was his imagination running amok? Anyways, after some discussion on what could this thing be and what should they do next, they agreed that it was nothing but imagination gone amok  and he got up to get ready for his office while she got busy with her household chores.

That night, even though they did not speak of it, they both slept fitfully, waking up and generally checking both the rooms. Saroj woke up at 2 AM in the morning and went through all the rooms of the house. When he went back, he found that Meera was awake too. On her whispered query, he whispered back that all was well. After some time, Saroj heard something and realized that it was Meera who was tiptoeing towards the bathroom. She had done the round and must have found nothing or else she would have told him about it. At 4:30 AM, Saroj woke up with a shudder. He had heard a loud thud and then when he saw Meera sitting on the bed with her face ashen, he realized that the sound was real and that it had frightened her very much. The thudding sound had come from just outside the door of their room. They both got out of the bed and moved cautiously towards the door but Meera stopped after taking some three steps and when Saroj moved ahead and reached the door, he found that the door to the rear balcony was open. It was the slamming of this door that had caused the awful sound that had woken them up both. They always closed it before going to bed. Saroj moved to close the door when he saw two of them, a young woman and a young man. Both of them were in the corridor leading to the living room, some five steps from the open door to the rear balcony. It looked like they had entered that way, had moved towards the living room when they realized that he was upon them and now they had stoppd frozen in their tracks and both were looking at him. He could not see their faces. It was all blurred. Saroj called out to them. “Leave my house. Go away”. In retrospection, he marveled as to how he got the courage to even speak. He was so much frightened. The young man took two steps towards him, his face still in darkness and spoke “OK. Don’t shout. We will leave. We will come when you will need us.” And he turned towards the woman and both of them quickly walked out of the door to the rear balcony and as Saroj was still watching them, they stood up on the railing and flew away, merging in the darkness, becoming one with it. Saroj was so surprised that he followed them to the balcony and felt the cool breeze that was coming from the West. Did they really fly away? Who were they? What did the young man mean when he said that he would come back only when Saroj needed them? Why would he need them? He was still lost in these thoughts when Meera walked up to him. She was very much shaken up.

“What happened here? Who were you talking to?”

Saroj realized that she had not seen anything.  He checked the door again to make sure that it was locked and then put his hand across her shoulders and led her towards the living room. There, seated on the settee, he narrated everything to her. She was naturally alarmed and was very curious as to whether it was the same woman who had been seen earlier by Saroj, loitering in the house. When Saroj carefully thought about it, he was of the opinion that this new woman was relatively young and the previously haunting specter was that of an old woman. Meera felt that this had to be the ghosts and ghouls and God knows what deformities which were now frequenting this house and that they should leave the house as soon as possible. This sentiment was echoed by Saroj too, so that they decided to start looking for another house from that day itself. Accordingly, they spent the day house hunting and by the end of the day they found one, suitable enough to move. They decided to move by the weekend in 2 days time.

That same night, when Saroj was fast asleep, he was tired from moving so much, he loved an easy, quiet life, he saw a dream. In this dream, he was transported to his ancestral house and he found himself in bed. His mother was sitting on the bed with her legs dangling down while he lay in the bed, his head on the pillow, looking at her face. With a jolt, he came back to his present bearings and realized that the specter was that of his mother. He had lost his mother to a very painful disease. She had fought valiantly with the cancer eating her up but gradually she had lost the battle. Saroj had really loved her mother. He had lost his father at an early age and all his childhood memories were centered on his mother. He respected her a lot and any of her desires or concerns would make Saroj fidget till the time her cares were assuaged. After their marriage, Meera had assumed that he was a mama’s boy, who would always live in his mother’s shadow tied to her apron strings. And this was a cause of lot of fights in the initial days of their marriage. Meera would accuse him of having no spine, that he would never be free of his mother’s apron strings. Things had soured badly between them so much so that she had left him and started living with her parents. Torn between his mother and his wife, Saroj had become drepressed and life had become meaningless. He knew Meera was carrying their first baby and he desperately wanted to bring her back to his life. But he also knew that Meera would never get along with his mother. He knew that his mother was autocratic. For most part of her life, she had her way around the house. And it was inconceivable for her to yield ground to her daughter-in-law. She alone knew what was best for her prince and no other woman could take her place. On the other hand, Meera was very self-reliant and independent and she hated any kind of interference from her mother-in-law. She had encouraged Saroj to be what he wanted to be, to do what he wanted to do, to not fawn upon her or his mother. Saroj had to take a very difficult decision and he was very unhappy those days. For the sake of his unborn child, he told his mother that he would be reconciling with Meera and that it was high time she should reconcile with her daughter-in-law too. It was not that he had asked her to leave or anything. It was just a request that they all had to live together and it would be great if Meera were treated as an equal member and not some visitor to the house. His mother had taken it very unkindly and left for their ancestral house. In that house, she had fought with cancer, alone and unhappy and bitter. She did not call Saroj for the next 4 months and if Saroj would call, whenever she got a chance, she would make it a point to say something very bitter in order to hurt his feelings. Saroj was busy with picking pieces of his life again with Meera and all those bitter words drove him more and more away from her. It was the day his daughter was born and he had picked up the phone to call her when he realized that it had been two months since he last spoke with her. He had felt very guilty about it. When the calls had become infrequent his mother’s hurt had turned into bitterness and hatred. When Saroj called her to inform her about her grand-daughter’s birth, she had chosen the same moment to let him know about her awful sickness. The news had devastated Saroj completely. He had blamed himself for her condition and he spent one month with her, the last one month of her life. His mother had seemed genuinely happy to see him again and all the care and fussing had mollified her. She was happy that she was with her son when she breathed her last. At least Saroj thought so. The day she died, Saroj had cried the whole day. That was eight months ago. Meera could not come to attend her last rites as the baby was just one month old and travel had been restricted for both of them. When Saroj was asked to name his daughter, he had named her Manasi in remembrance of his mother. Meera was not happy about it but she let it be. Saroj had to have one Manasi in his life, if it were not his mother, then it had to be his daughter. So be it. After all these months, tonight Saroj realized that he had seen her ghost. Was it really her? What did she want? And who were those visitors, that young man and woman?

Saroj could not go to sleep afterwards. He kept thinking about the past events and whether he was wrong in doing what he did. The mind makes it a point to either reside in past or dwell in future. It won’t stay in present. And so Saroj moaned and groaned and tossed around. At around 3 AM, he got up from the bed, he could not sleep at all and all that tossing around was making Manasi uncomfortable, so he decided to go to the front balcony. As he reached the door of his bedroom, he saw his mother as clearly as daylight. She was there, standing near the door. This time, she did not dissolve at once. While Saroj kept gaping at her, she stood right before him. Only the edges shimmered. Her body was darkness solidified. Saroj was so dumbfounded that he could not speak a word but he noticed that her lips had moved, like she said something, but Saroj could not hear anything. And then right before his eyes, she disappeared again. All this would not have taken more than 20 seconds or so. But she was here, with them, in this house. Saroj plopped on the floor with a thud. Even though he knew it was his mother, the supernatural experience had turned his blood cold. His eyes were not blinking while his mind raced, with a hundred thoughts at once. She was back from dead!!!! That was all he could think initially. But why? What did she want? Did she come back to be with him again? Or was she back to punish him for deserting her? Was she trying to speak to him? Had she come to warn him of some grave danger? Slowly he came to grips with himself. He got up and got himself a glass of cold water. He splashed some water on his face. The encounter had unnerved him. He was thinking of waking up Meera when he realized that the door to the rear balcony was open. He walked slowly to the door and found that the young man was waiting for him in the balcony. Saroj was not afraid at all. It was like this young man had a soothing effect on him. The young man smiled at Saroj and said in a low voice “The more you think about her, the more powerful she will grow. Your thoughts, your fear make her stronger.”

Saroj wanted to know why she was there. He did not have to say it. The young man seemed to read his thoughts. His smiling visage gave way to a very serious one.

“She is bitter, not at peace. She feels you owe her something.”

“What does she want?”

“Do not think about her. Let the dead rest in peace. She will have no power over you then.”

And then the young man was gone. Saroj did not even see him disappear. Ever tried of not thinking about something? It is that proverbial pink elephant in the room. The more you try not to think about it, the more your thoughts will be around it. Saroj could not stop thinking about his mother. He spent the whole day in a daze. After his mothers’ death, he had held himself guilty but every time he would mention it to Meera, she would get terse and point out that he had a right to his life and that no one should live out his life to please someone. What he did was the right thing. Unfortunately his mother did not take it in the right spirits. She cut him off, his only son, out of her life and when she reconnected, it was to make him feel guilty, like her getting cancer was caused by his so called betrayal. Saroj listened to her and actually agreed with many points, but still the guilt would not leave him. Like an old wound, it pestered inside him, rotting and collecting all the bile that it could. He knew that it had to be cauterized. But he could not bring himself to do it. And now his mother was back. No one would believe him. What about Meera? Would she believe him? He chose not to share anything with her but he could not keep his mother off his thoughts either.

That night, when Meera and Manasi fell asleep, Saroj got up and went into the other bedroom. There he waited for his mother to show up. He had to wait for 3 hours but then he saw her sitting beside him on the bed. She was more solid now, more persistent. He could see her face and her nose but her could not see her eyes. He called out “mama” and immediately she grabbed his hand. It felt weird, like cold wind around his hand. Saroj was not afraid.

“Why are you here, mama?”

She let go of his hand and sat there. She tried speaking, her lips trembled but Saroj could not hear anything. She kept looking at him and Saroj realized that her face or whatever was visible of her face was not friendly or loving. She tried speaking again but realizing that Saroj still could not hear her, she got angry. And then there was a scream, like that of a cat caterwauling and she was gone. Saroj fell on the bed, losing consciousness. When he woke up, he was still in one piece, but his mother was not around. He went to his own bed and as his head was still heavy, he lay there in a swoon and then he saw a dream. In this dream, he was in his own living room. He saw a young woman sitting on a chair. He recognized her as the young woman who had been in the corridor with the young man, when he had shouted at them. She beckoned him to her side and Saroj sat on the ground, in front of her chair. She had a calm demeanor and her voice was soft. She said a lot of things but what Saroj could remember the next morning was only fragments. “Do not look at past with glasses of regret, that which is past is past” was one of them, which kept resonating inside his mind. In the morning, he was feeling calm, not afraid at all, not disturbed. He shared everything with Meera who as usual let him speak at length without interrupting him. She was such a good listener. When he finished his tale, she was silent for a long time. When she finally broke the silence, it was a moot point she raised.

“So, it will do us no good if we shift our house. She will follow us there too.”

Saroj agreed with it.

“We need to find why she is here.”

“Correct and then we need to find a way to end this”

“Do we call a tantrik or a ghost buster?”

Saroj was very reluctant about it. He did not trust those “baba” kind and moreover he wanted to face his mother on his own. This idea did not find any resonance with Meera who was rightly concerned that this might not be the most appropriate way to go about it. But Saroj was convinced. He remembered the young man and the young woman and felt that they would be around if things got messy. And so it was decided that Saroj would try to tackle his mother tonight and if things got unpleasant, Meera was free to call in for reinforcements.

When Manasi was finally put to sleep, Meera stayed with her while Saroj went to the other room and sat there waiting for his mother to appear. He must have dozed off and someone shook him very hard. He was bleary-eyed when he looked at his mother, who was standing next to him. She not only had a physical form, she had gained in strength too.

“Mama, what do you want? Why have you come back?”

“To take away Manasi. That will teach you a lesson.” was what the raspy voice said. It was not his mother’s voice. It sounded like it came from a hollow of a tree trunk and there were faint echoes. Saroj was alarmed and panicked.

“No, you can’t do that.” was his immediate weak protest.

“You would know the pain of losing your child. You would know how lonely it is. You will feel the pain.”

The words, jarringly delivered, were blood chilling and Saroj was frightened out of his wits.

“You would now feel the way I used to feel”

These were strongly delivered and the tone was flat now. It was like she said something very normal and that she was not expecting any kind of resistance or remonstrance. His mother would take that demeanor when she had to make a point, mostly for the good of his son. Saroj had seen this countless times. He was always afraid of his mother’s anger and tonight he was terrified.

She stepped forwards and put her heavy hand on his shoulder. He felt the weight of it and immediately winced. She tightened the grip and a little yelp escaped him.

“This is nothing. This pain is physical. Wait till I take her away.”

And just like that she was gone.

For some time Saroj could not even breathe. How could someone one hurt a baby? He wanted to run to Manasi’s room and to hold her, to protect her from the ghost. But he knew that would be futile. His thoughts raced and screamed and raged while he lay there trying to quieten his sobs. At length, his thoughts died one by one. He lay there listless feeling empty, when the realization dawned upon him that it was he who had been unwittingly increasing her strength. It was his fear that had solidified her form. How did one control fear? He had to do something about it. But first he had to break this news to Meera.

Meera had heard the sounds and her face was pale. But when Saroj explained the situation to her, she started crying. The mere thought that someone or something wanted to hurt her poor defenseless baby was gut-wrenching and their helplessness at the turn of events made her miserable. Saroj held her till she cried herself to sleep. And then, too tired himself, but too restless to go to sleep, he closed his eyes. Soon enough, his thoughts turned towards his mother and this time he did not feel regret or love, but a hatred for this ghoulish thing that had come from the dead to haunt him and to hurt him. The anger washed over him and his fantasies to hurt his mother kept gathering steam, kept getting more violent by the minute. He was hurt by his mother’s words and he was plotting his own revenge, when out of the blue, he remembered the young woman’s advice. “To forgive is best, it heals”. Saroj opened his eyes and realized that anger, fear and regret were opening him to more painful experiences. He remembered what Meera had said about his mother. He recalled his mother as his mother actually was. Instead of blaming himself for her sickness, he consoled himself that he was not in any way responsible for that disease and he should not hold himself guilty for the same. The fact that he was not there with his mother when she needed him the most was also incorrect. He had kept calling her and it was she who had deliberately cut him off. She shared the news with him when the cancer was already in the last phase. It was not that she was not getting treatment. The timing of it all was malicious. She had wanted him to suffer too. She had sported a wry smile when he had rushed over to meet her after he came to know of her sickness. He remembered all those painful details that he had buried, not wanting to look them in the faces because they painted another picture of his mother, one that he did not want to remember. He recalled all those incidents when his mother and Meera had argued, how silly and trivial those issues were, how petty his mother had sounded. The buried emotions came rushing out from the hole that he had dug them in. A feeling of revulsion soon engulfed him. But again the refrain arose in his heart: “To forgive is best, let it all go. Do not give these negative thoughts power by dwelling on them”.

Saroj did not run from his memories, the way he had always run, to immerse himself in some stupid TV program or in some book, so that he would not have to think about it all. But tonight, he stayed there with those ghastly memories, he felt their nakedness and their misery engulfed him but gradually he realized their powerlessness over him. The moment he decided to acknowledge the fact that his mother was not the most perfect of them all but still she was his mother and he loved her, warts and all, that moment itself opened the channel for healing, to let the buried memories come out and to wither away, falling away. That moment cut him off her forever. Instinctively he knew that the specter was standing near him but he was not afraid anymore. He opened his eyes and looked at it. So soon it had become an empty shell. Its face was still angry but its body was translucent now. Saroj looked at it with love, with no sense of regret or remorse or anger or fear. And that specter realized it too. It looked in anger at the baby but that anger was impotent. Saroj did not react at all. That thing standing over there was the sum total of his regret, of him holding himself guilty for things that were out of his control, of his anger that his mother was not exactly how he wanted her to be, of his fear that one day his daughter may cut him out of her life too. The specter wailed now but the wail died away in a whimper before becoming soundless. Saroj closed his eyes once more and stayed there, in the memory of his mother, as she was, strict but caring, autocratic and demanding but who always put his needs above hers. After some time, he felt a gentle touch on his temples and on opening his eyes, he found the young woman there, smiling. She touched his forehead and he felt peace filling him all the way to the core. He sat there in a trance like state till Meera shook him out of it gently. He explained everything to her and they lay there in the bed, cuddled together with Manasi just a foot away from them, sleeping with a smile on her face. The right time was now, the right place was here and the regret of past or the fear of future should not corrupt this moment that he had, the moment when he could feel the love, the moment he could love. Saroj closed his eyes as if he wanted to hold this moment forever.