morbid thoughts

this whole last week has literally flown by, with clock ticking so very fast !!!!!
we have had guests, one of them a very very sick cancer patient. on wednesday, we got the news that the doctor has given up on him giving him at max 3 months to live. it was a sad news and i became party to the decision of not sharing this decision with his wife, lest she starts creating scenes. anyways i am not fond of her. she talks a lot, mostly nonsense to my ears. ever since her husband has been stricken with this deadly disease, slowly killing him, she has taken up this role of a tragedy queen, always moping her eyes and generally seeking sympathy. Even when the news of looming death was broken to me, I didn't feel an iota of sympathy for her. On Saturday, some test reports came in which resulted in dramatic change of prediction from the doctor. Now the timeframe has jumped to 5 years at least. Well, great news !!! or is it bad news? the cancer treatment takes time, requires patience and costs a hell lot of money. With the retired person soon burning through the savings, it becomes a decision of whether to prolong the agony of one man or to to prolong the savings needed to support the bereaved family. A sad state of affairs, but c'est la vie !!!!
last night, my wife asked me a simple question. What would be the gentleman thinking of now that he has learnt that he still has some more time on earth? Will it be about money? Will it be about his past life? Will it be about the decisions that he has made here, about the sacrifices, about paths not followed, about lost love? What would it be that he would be thinking of, when he goes to sleep? I was taken aback by the question. First I tried to wriggle out by proclaiming that I am not yet 33, how can I even pretend to understand what a 75+ man would be thinking of? But the logic didn't cut ice with her. Then I changed tack and argued that my thinking has always been different from people around me but my wife won't let me slip so easily, agreeing with it and how she totally understands it, but still would like me to put myself into his shoes and share my thoughts on it. So, then, with no way out, I really started to think about it. If I were terminally sick, what would I be thinking about? And well, for me, the lost opportunities, the paths not taken, the regrets of not following my heart, lost love came back flooding me with a severe intensity. These were the only thoughts that came to me, regret the only emotion I felt. And so we talked into the night, pondering on the silly question "what would have been if I had done this and not that?" "phir kya hota uske baad?"
I also remembered the Virginia Woolf's classic "To the Lighthouse". In that book, she has created a character who is always seeking sympathy, who is forcing others to take pity on him, forcing them to take a forgiving stance for him. This character generated a lot of ill feeling around him, even filling his own children with revulsion. I shared it with my wife and told her that the lady is doing the same thing, forcing others to do something that they don't want to do, generating a lot of bad will around her.But who is going to bell the cat and share it with her? so be it. C'est la vie!!!!